Alas, Poor Me
(otherwise known as Fargo’s revenge)
This story was inspired by
Arnie’s ‘Alas, Poor Fargo.’ She wrote a wonderful tale about Jim’s obsession
with getting rid of Blair’s Fargo hat. I thought it might be nice to see things
from a different perspective.
Thanks Arnie for letting me
spoof your story.
Here’s the link to Arnie’s story: http://www.wolfpanther.com/stories/fargo.html
****************************************************
Oh God! It’s winter again.
Usually I’m quite happy to be pulled out and put to the use that I was created
for, but not this year. You see, I’m afraid that I’m going to be murdered. Yes,
that’s right. It’s that big, dumb cop partner of his. He’s had it in for me
ever since we first met. I could tell by the way he laughed at me, then the
look in his eyes the second time he saw me. Makes me shiver.
Only problem is that
shivering makes me shed. I’m sorry, it’s in my nature. It’s not my fault he’s
allergic. I can only hope that Blair doesn’t leave me unprotected.
*********
Close call number 1
Well, I’m doomed. I’ll never
see the light of day again. Ellison snuck in while Blair was sleeping and
kidnapped me. Then he took me down to the dungeon, wrapped me in some stinking
canvas and stuffed me under some trunks.
Ah, man, now a spider has
decided to make its home in me. I cannot believe this. Of all the indignities.
BLAIR! Oh, thank you, thank
you. I’m so glad you found me. I promise to keep your ears warm forever. Bless
you… No! Wait! Don’t put me on… the spider!
*********
Close call number 2
Ellison did it again! He
kidnapped me again! And you think Blair has bad luck?
This time that Neanderthal
dumped me in the trash. Man did it stink. All I want to do is keep Blair warm.
Why can’t the man understand that? I want to protect his partner. You’d think
he’d appreciate that, but noooo. Not big, bad Ellison. Can’t let anyone else
help his little guppy. Sigh.
The good news is that Blair
is persistent. He searched high and low and amazingly enough found me the next
day. I’ll show Ellison. I’ll just shed a bit more, see how Mr. Sensitive likes
the allergens. He he he.
**********
Close call number 3
Well this is getting a bit
ridiculous. And the man calls himself a Covert Op specialist. Can’t even get
rid of a hat!
He should have paid that bum
more money to get rid of me. As it was, the guy only dumped me in another
trashcan near Rainier University, Blair’s stomping ground. Fate was with me and
my master found me once again. Unfortunately all this washing is hard on me.
The only good thing about it is that Ellison has to put up with more of my
shedding.
***********
Close call number 4
This is pathetic. He had to
enlist the help of his boss to get rid of me this time. We traveled to San
Francisco of all places. It’s hardly a town that requires a fine hat like me,
the weather is too mild most of the year. But there you have it. I ended up at
the local Banks residence looking at a lifetime of uselessness.
Things looked grim until a
friend of the family came by and saw me. She was delighted and asked if she
could have me. No one objected because they didn’t actually know where I had
come from in the first place. I feel loved again. Tiffany is really pleased to
have found me. But wait, what’s with the box? What are you doing? Oh, it’s so
dark in here…
The box is jostled and
dropped and maybe even kicked for all I can tell from inside, but finally I
seem to have reached my destination. I wonder where Tiffany sent me? Light, and
a familiar voice! Blair!
I can’t believe it! Ellison’s
diabolical plan backfired again. He glares at me and I glare right back. This
is war.
**********
Close call number 5
Ellison’s planning something.
I can smell it. I just have to make sure that I stick close to Blair for
protection.
IEEEEE! He’s done it again.
This time shoving me into his desk drawer when Blair wasn’t watching. Help!
He’s back, what’s he doing?
Oh no, not another box! What? He can’t be serious? ALASKA?
I’m not really sure what
happened while I was in that box. All I know is that it moved around. A lot. The
last stop ended in a puddle of water and somehow, miraculously back to the
scene of the crime. I must have a guardian angel.
**********
The end
This is it. The end of my
life. Ellison is really going to do it. I’m sorry Blair. I’ll miss you. I can
only hope that another will take my place and give you the warmth you deserve.
I’ve seen that sorry excuse for a hat that Ellison tried to replace me with.
It’s just not up to the job. I’m sorry. Parting is such sweet sorrow…
FIRE! NO! Please! Look, Ellison,
can’t we come to some sort of a truce, man? I promise to stop shedding. I’ll
convince Blair to only use me on the coldest days. Please, not the fire… no..
AHHHHHHHHH!
.
.
.
.
So this is it. This is
heaven. I wondered if there was a place for well meaning Fargo hats. I tried. I
really tried.
Huh? Reincarnation? Really?
And because I was murdered, I can choose where and how? Cool!
Look out Ellison, here I
come!
The end (for real)
Feedback is greatly
appreciated. Judy