By JudyL

June 1, 2003

Takes place after TSbyBS, most of mine do and after my story "Picking Up the Pieces." I wrote this one first, so it doesn't exactly fit with "Pieces," but they both insisted on being written, so what could I do? Even though it's been done, my brain wouldn't leave it alone. Had to have Blair deal with the fall out. So here it goes.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, darnit not mine!

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Aw, man! I really hate the anger. I can deal with the despair, it just sorta comes with the territory and always fades into sadness. But the anger. Man. It really eats me up. I mean how can I be so angry with the people I love. My Mom was just trying to help. Ma, how could you! Why didn't you just read the thing? But no! You have to stick to the letter of the law. I said don't read it, so you had someone else read it! And you taught me so well. Stay in the truck, Chief. Oh yeah, I stay in the truck, unless I think Jim's in danger or needs my help or someone else is in danger. Hell. Have I ever stayed in the truck? How can I be mad at you Ma when I follow everything you taught me so well.

And Jim, how can I be mad at him? He's only changed his entire life for me. Let me tag along, let me move in with him. Fed me, protected me, held my hand when I was sick or injured. He has a right to be angry, it was his life that was opened up to the public like a book. Me? How can I be angry with Jim? It's not like he threw me out of the loft. This time. But you might as well have, Jim, the way you turned that oh so big, cold shoulder to me. Practically ignored me the whole time we were trying to catch Zeller. And what the hell was that crack about me going for the brass ring anyway?

Do you really think I could sell our friendship? Even for three million dollars? THREE MILLION! Man, I never dreamed of that kind of money. Not that the money is important, but come on, Jim, can't a guy dream for just a second? One lousy second. Shit! I didn't even stop to think about one hundred thousand, I told Sid Graham "no," what don't you understand? No means NO!

I'll have to get back to you Jim, Sid is requesting his time. Now Sid, him I can be angry at. The guy must have the biggest set of cajones. I turn him down and tell him the manuscript will not be published and he goes ahead with a press release?! I ought to sue his ass for everything he's worth. How many times do I have to say no? One hundred thousand? No. Quarter of a mil? No! One million? Oh my god! No. Three million dollars? Whimper. NO! Sid the book cannot be published. It would destroy my best friend. Give it up, man, just leave us alone!

Sigh. Sid must have taken a page from Naomi. He didn't print the dis, he just passed it on to the press. Okay, not the whole thing, but enough to get their interest and try to pressure me into betraying Jim. Again. I really didn't mean to, I just wanted to help Alex. How was I supposed to know she was a crook? I mean Jim wasn't exactly forthcoming with information at the time. I DID try to tell you, man. You just brushed me off.

Stop it, Sandburg, that's the past, you can't use that anger in this situation, it's a different subject. There are other reasons to be angry with Jim over this mess. Jesus! You're not supposed to be finding reasons to be angry! But he shut me out again. Just like with Alex. Oh yeah, well, this time I didn't die, but Simon and Megan could have. That was not Jim's fault, there is no way he could have known Zeller was going to shoot them!

Yeah, but he blamed himself, and me because of the whole dis mess and the press. Jim blamed me! As if I had taken the gun and shot them myself. No he didn't actually say that it was my fault, but he said it was his fault. And said it was because of the pressure over the Sentinel thing. And that makes it MY fault, by default. Dammit, Jim! How could you? How could you think that's what I wanted to happen?

I didn't authorize the press or Sid or even Naomi to look at the paper. I locked the hard copy in the box. Okay, so maybe I forgot to protect the soft copy on the computer, but I knew my Mom wouldn't read it, she promised. And you were waiting for me. You needed my help. Or did you?

Okay, here comes the despair part again. I don't think I like despair too much either after all. It hurts to think you don't need me. I mean, you spotted Zeller all by yourself, Jim. I didn't have to help you focus or keep you from zoning. When was the last time you zoned anyway? What do you need me around for? Megan knows about your senses. She's a cop, too. Maybe it'd just be best if we stopped this charade now. It's not like I'd seriously consider becoming a cop.

No matter what you said in the hospital about me being the best cop you know, I just don't know… How can you trust me? Just because I threw away fifteen years of my life for you, man. Fifteen years! I've been going to school, researching, teaching and traipsing all over the world for fifteen years searching for a Sentinel and when he finally shows up he doesn't even need me!

Whoa! Wait just a minute Sandburg! When did your study of Sentinels become about you? Why would a Sentinel NEED you? Sure, Jim was a little overwhelmed by it all, but that's just because our society doesn't know about Sentinels. He had no preparation for what he was. No training, no guidance. Guidance. That's what I'm supposed to do for my Sentinel. MY Sentinel? Boy, how proprietary of me.

This doesn't feel like despair anymore, what's next… Ah, justification. See if I can justify my hanging around Jim, then it's okay for me to stay. Not just because he's my friend and I'd really miss him and my life would seem useless and empty without him. Damn, there's that despair again. Justification, yeah, let's get there.

He does need me. Okay, maybe Jim doesn't zone much anymore, but he still tends to bottle things up inside and that affects his senses. Anger, frustration, fear, they all make him tense up, get that jaw muscle clenched and his senses are snapped down under a tight rein, held back to a walk instead of being allowed to gallop full out. Oh yeah, Jim would love being compared to a racehorse.

But how else should I describe it? If he holds back, his senses are limited and not using them to their fullest extent, now that's a crime. I've seen him in full Sentinel mode, in Peru, and man, is that a sight to behold. I just had to get him to lighten up and accept what he could do. Then he was able to accept the dreams, the visions and his senses. And wham! Full blown Sentinel online.

But what do I really do for Jim? I nag him about his diet, try to get him to loosen up and have a little fun. He's much better about that now than three years ago. Although, I'm still surprised at how easy it was to get him to let me move in with Larry. Not that I meant it to become permanent. I really expected to be out by the end of the week. Even had a place lined up. It was Jim who actually offered to let me stay. Fixed up my room, offered to let me pay rent. Boy was that a joke. I could never have gotten a place for the rent I pay here. Okay, when I pay.

So, maybe… Maybe Jim wants me to stay around? He wouldn't let me live here if he didn't want me to be here. Jim's a pretty straightforward kinda guy. Hell, he threw me out before. Lord knows he said what he felt when the dis went public. I guess he meant it when he said he wanted me to be his partner. His real partner, as in Detective Blair Sandburg.

Me a Cop? I don't know, it goes against everything Naomi taught me. Though truthfully, I've played around with the idea before. Don't tell Jim. Or Simon. But until now, I would have expected them to laugh me out the door if I'd told them I was interested in becoming a brother in blue. I mean, I don't exactly fit the profile.

My biggest concern is the gun. I really hate guns. Okay, I hate what they can do to people. I don't know if I could handle being responsible for taking a life. Yeah, yeah, I know I've handled guns in the past. Even held them on perps in situations that certainly could have turned ugly. Somehow those times never seemed to count in my heart. Maybe because Jim or Simon or some other cop had told me to protect myself if needed… I don't know.

First things first. Anger. That's what I'm trying to get a hold on. Anger at having to make a decision like becoming a cop. Anger at having my entire life uprooted by some gung-ho publisher who had no right to print MY thesis without MY permission. Anger at my Mother for trying too hard to do what she thought was right. Anger at my partner for not believing me. Anger at myself…

Yeah, anger at myself for not admitting sooner that the Sentinel dissertation wasn't going to ever be published and for going on and writing it anyway.

Coulda just left everything in your notebooks, Sandburg. You didn't have to put it down in black and white in a concise format that any fool could read. What the hell were you thinking anyway? You knew you couldn't share it. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit!

I don't have anyone to be angry with but myself. And I hate that more than anything else. How can Jim ever forgive me? Trust me? How can I be his partner if I don't trust myself? He should hate me. Instead he's fighting to get me a permanent place by his side. So what should I do?

***

Blair Sandburg looked up as the door to the loft opened and Jim Ellison walked in.

"I've got Chinese for dinner, Chief," he said setting the take out on the counter.

Blair closed his journal and watched as his friend set out the various boxes. What should I do?

"Jim?"

Ellison looked over at his roommate. "What's up, Chief?"

"Why do you want me to be your partner?" he asked quietly.

"I thought we discussed this, Chief." Jim said, shaking his head in confusion.

Blair shook his head. "I know you think you need me to back you up as a Sentinel. But you don't. You haven't really needed me there for a long time. You don't zone anymore. You know how to work the dials if something upsets your senses. What do you need me for? Why would you risk keeping me around when all that's going to do is create suspicion that maybe my dis was real?" He stood up and started pacing.

"I just don't get it, Jim. Ninety-nine percent of the world is going to look at us and ask "Why is Ellison ruining his career hanging out with an admitted fraud?" And what's Simon going to tell the brass? "Oh, Ellison needs Sandburg to help with his heightened senses?" Well that makes a lot of sense. They'll either insist on proof or laugh him and you right out of law enforcement."

Blair ran his hands through his hair, he wasn't even beginning to wind down Jim realized. The Sentinel stepped in front of his Guide's path.

"How can I become a cop if no one trusts…" Blair ran into something solid. He looked up into concerned blue eyes.

"Blair, sit down."

"But…"

"Sit…"

"Jim…"

"Down."

"Okay," Blair flopped back onto the couch, folded his hands in his lap and stared down at them.

Jim sat on the coffee table in front of his friend. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Blair, we already told the brass."

Sandburg's head lifted, his eyes widened. "What?"

"Well, it was the only way to get you a spot in the police academy. They needed to know you were protecting me." Jim shrugged. "I suppose we should have told them earlier. But now they have all the facts and I have a little more leeway in how I use my senses. However," he said menacingly, catching Blair's eyes with a hard stare. "I need you to know that I do need your help. Now and always. You are my Guide, my Shaman, my friend, my brother, and I hope my partner. But that last is your choice. The others you don't get a choice about. They are forever."

Blair stared at his friend. Guide, Shaman, friend and brother. That was a long list of things to be to one man. And he wanted to add partner to that?

Jim sighed. He could see that Blair really did not understand how much Jim relied on him. "I'm not very good at confessions, Chief. You're being stubborn here."

Blair's brow wrinkled in confusion. "I don't understand, Jim."

A small grin played on the corner of Jim's mouth. "I know, Blair. Listen to me, and listen close, because I really don't know if I'll say this right, but maybe you can read between the lines."

Sandburg nodded intently.

"I need you to be in my life, Blair Sandburg. I need my Guide. You think I don't need you, but that's not true. Your very presence grounds the Sentinel. I can use my senses with less effort when you're with me. I don't zone anymore because you're with me. I'm much more cautious using my senses if you aren't there. But with you around, I feel like I can do almost anything. In fact, if you tell me I can do something with my senses, I can. There's no question in my mind, if Blair says I can do it, I can."

Blair opened his mouth to say something but Jim put his finger to his lips.

"I'm not done yet. I also need Blair Sandburg the Shaman in my life. He opens the horizons for my soul and guards it against those who would try to darken it. He helps me understand that I'm special and not a freak. And that I can make peace with demons from my past, whether they be imagined or real, family or foe.

Blair, my friend is also very important to me. My friend makes me laugh. He teaches me things all the time about the world, about myself and about friendship. He comforts me when I'm sad, makes me open up when I'm angry, and gets in my face when I'm being stubborn.

But the Blair I'm most afraid of losing is Blair my brother. The brother who stands behind me when I need support, who stands in front of me when I need protection, who stands beside me when I need company and who lets me lean on him when I can't stand on my own." Jim put his hands on Blair's shoulders and squeezed gently.

"I listen for my brother's heartbeat at night to help me sleep after a long, hard day. I wait for his laughter to lighten my spirit. I watch for his smile to know the world is a decent place. And I thank God for his presence in my life.

If, and I do mean if, you decide to become my partner as well, I would be grateful to have someone so intelligent, creative, scrappy and loyal by my side. But if you are not comfortable becoming a cop, then I'll still have my Guide, my Shaman, my friend, and most importantly, my brother." Jim touched Blair's cheek. "You got that, Chief?"

Blair blinked back the tears he felt threatening. Wow! "That was beautiful, Jim. I wish…"

"What, Blair?"

"I wish I could have recorded it."

Jim sat back in disbelief, then laughed at the mischievous look on his brother's face.

"Well, come on, man. I know it was a once in a life time experience, I… Thanks, Jim. I guess I really needed to hear you say it."

"So, we're okay?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, we're okay. Uh, Jim?"

"Yes, Chief?"

"Do you need me to, uh, you know…"

Jim grinned broadly. "Chief, you have already told me how you feel."

Blair's brow furrowed. "When?"

"When you decided not to go to Borneo. When you came back to me at the fountain. When you followed me to Peru, both times. When you gave up everything to protect me. I read between the lines, Blair. I get it now."

"Oh, well, just to be sure you understand, Jim. I need you, too. My Sentinel, my Blessed Protector, my friend, and my brother." He paused. "I'll have to get back to you on the partner part. I've still got a few things to sort out in my head."

Jim stood, nodding. "That's okay, like I said, there's no rush. I want you to make the right decision for yourself, not for me or Simon or Naomi or anyone else. Just for Blair."

"Thanks, Jim."

"You're welcome. Now can we eat? I'm starved and the food's getting cold."

"Did you get fortune cookies?'

"Of course."

Blair darted over to the kitchen and grabbed two cookies. He tossed one to Jim and opened the other one.

"You're supposed to open them after dinner, Chief."

"Nope, I think this calls for a celebratory, pre-meal fortune."

Ellison grinned and opened the wrapper on his cookie. "Go ahead, Darwin, what's it say?"

Blair cracked open the cookie and pulled out the slip of paper. "To listen requires open ears. To learn, an open mind. To love, an open heart." He regarded the fortune for several seconds, then looked up at his friend. A shy smile pulled at his lips. "What does yours say, Jim?"

Jim stared thoughtfully at his Guide before he broke open the cookie and read the message inside.

"Out loud, Jim."

The Sentinel looked up at his brother, smiled and repeated the message aloud. "Friends are relatives you make for yourself."

Blair returned his smile. "I hear that, brother."

End.

Comments are always welcome, please let me know what you think. Judy

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